Springfield Residents Prepare for Ratmageddon

When can we expect the nearby Westbard development to unleash an army of rats on the neighborhood? That’s the question on the minds of many Springfield neighborhood residents these days.

Polly Gist, a spokesperson for the development, says Springfield should expect only incremental increases in the rodent population. “It’s not like an army will descend on Springfield one day. Personally, I like rats. But I wouldn’t be leaving any cheese outside the house.”

Joe Muscrat, who lives next to the proposed development, slated to begin construction soon, has posted a sign in his yard, “Prepare for Ratmageddon.” He is the founder of a coalition that has proposed building a mesh “rat wall” to separate the neighborhood from the commercial development.

“Even if we can’t keep the rats out, we should at least be testing them at the border to make sure they don’t bring pestilence into the community. That’s the last thing our children need.”

Frank Blunt ridicules the proposed $2000 cost of the rat wall. “A good rat knows all the holes,” he points out. “They will find a way in. I’ve put in traps and an invisible fence that will zap them if they try to encroach on my yard.”

“Rats don’t each much,” points out Peta Creature, Springfield resident and animal-rights lobbyist. Domesticated rats, in particular, are “affectionate, intelligent, and sociable animals. They aren’t that much different than dogs.”

Nevertheless, Judge Doomsday has decided to take permanent refuge in his house and prepare for the worst. After he plugs every threatening crack in his home. “The rats are gathering in force. I hear them at night. They are preparing to attack.”

Sidebar: 5 Things You Can Do to Prevent a Rat Attack

1. Don’t leave out cheese. Rats like it. Keep it in the refrigerator.
2. Investigate the crawl space under your home. Don’t be afraid to crawl under there one Saturday morning and see if you already have rats living under your home.
3. Buy a cat—or two. That will serve the rats right that to try to infiltrate your home.
4. Don’t feed them. Rats may be cute, but resist the temptation to feed them. Cover your garbage cans.
5. Poison them. Liberally sprinkle the yard with toxins.